Naruto Screwed
by Kandee Ferrets
Summary: Introducing the new author, Retard Bud another self insertion story
1. Chapter 1

**Smiley Miley: Hola!!! As always it's the poor little narrator, AKA Smiley Miley, and I'm here to tell you that unfortunately a new person has joined the Fearsome Four, so I guess it would kinda be the fearsome five, but whateva, kay so now to introduce our new author: Retard_Bud!!!.**

**(Retard_Bud enters the room and waves awkwardly before falling flat on his face)**

**Smiley Miley: Yeah he's pretty obviously related to Penny.**

**Retard_Bud: Who's Penny?**

**Smiley Miley: Though he has an IQ lower than Dez…**

**Retard_Bud: I do not… BELIEVE IT!!!**

**Smiley Miley: I do not believe you stole the crappiest catchphrase ever created…**

**Retard_Bud: …**

**Smiley Miley: Kay Zane, what's your ficcie about?**

**Retard_Bud: Naruto! Believe i-**

**Smiley Miley: Finish that sentence and you die retard.…**

**Retard_Bud: Plz don't eat me!!!**

**Smiley Miley: What about Naruto Zane?**

**(Retard_Bud smiles evilly and makes Miley a little uneasy.) **

**Retard_Bud: Same thing you do to Penny and Dez!!!**

**Smiley Miley: Oh fu- (Miley is then zapped by the shiny silver clicker of awesome and sent into the Naruto world)**

**Retard_Bud smiles before sitting down on Miley's awesome director chair of awesome and pulls out his Naruto manga.**

**Character Profiles: (Us and OCs)**

**Pen Vass/Penelope Grey: Pen is the eldest daughter of the main family in the Vass clan (Yes, I made it up. Yes, they have a bloodline limit. And yes you just have to deal.) Specializes in Taijutsu and has the ability, like other members of her clan, to change her body into another substance such as iron or water, though the more complex the substance the more chakra it takes, fire is the most difficult to maintain.**

**De Toya/Destiny Rivers: Pretty much the same as normal 'cept for the name change, specializes in earth style ninjutsu. Was used to balance out the team, (Not so surprising). Oh yeah and I killed off her parents. I'm so evil.**

**Kat Nakamura/Kaitlin Austin: Lives on the Vass compound though no one really knows why. Specializes in Genjutsu.**

**Aki/A.J. Lan: Brains of his team (Think Kabuto but not as lame), and because I feel like it, he has a crush on Sakura, uses what I think the sitch calls for.**

**Tetsuya Vass/Zane Black: Pen's cousin, mostly the same abilities, but less smarts. (I am pretty damn sure I did not write that!!!)**

**Miley/Miley: Like Tenten, but she doesn't suck so bad.**

**Iwao Sensei: I will fill this in later**

**Mayumi Sensei/Lori's mom: She scares me more in this…**


	2. Enter Naruto Uzimaki

**AN: Penny made pics of the characters and put them on her myspace, www . myspace . com / Penelope _ Ferret (Lose the spaces and ya got it)**

Retard_Bud sits happily in the ADCOA (Awesome Director Chair of Awesome) "WTF are you staring at me for!?!? Read the damn story!!!"

**Enter Naruto Uzumaki**

Naruto runs through the street laughing, paint-bucket in hand chased by two ninja he then turns a corner and hides behind a paper that looks like a wall, he then drops the paper and laughs, "That was easy!" before we see Iruka behind him.

"Oh yeah De!?!?"

"Well crap… How'd you know?" she said curiously before letting the guise drop.

"We caught Naruto! Now get to class!"

**The scene changes to the class thingie where Naruto, De and Leroy the squirrel sit tied up:**

"Thanks to you two we'll be having a transformation test." Iruka said glaring at them the class groaned as a kid with purple hair (Tetsuya) scratched his head with his middle finger, though this was more directed at De than Naruto, who got a cold stare, Naruto didn't notice this, though a redheaded girl next to Tetsuya did and smacked his arm for it.

**Scene Change no Jutsu:**

"Pen Vass," Iruka says looking at a piece of paper, the redheaded girl steps forward and performs the Jutsu becoming an exact copy of De. "Good, Sakura Haruno," Sakura steps forward and performs the jutsu as well, becoming Iruka, "Good, good, Sasuke Uchiha," another Iruka **(did anyone else think that was really gay?)** "Okay… Naruto Uzumaki" Naruto steps up and smiles before performing the Jutsu, De nods and discreetly performs it as well. Naruto a skank, and De, Iruka with a boner. Most of the class had to keep themselves from laughing; well not emokid, but he has no sense of humor whatsoever. Iruka has an OMFG Face and glares at them who soon let the disguises drop.

**Scene Change no Jutsu:**

Naruto and De stand on scaffolding and clean off the Hokage faces, both glaring at their work sulkily, Iruka looked down at them and looked thoughtful for a second, "Hmm, maybe when you guys get these cleaned off I can take you out for ramen, you know, the good stuff."

"Now that's some motivation!!!" Naruto says happily before scrubbing furiously.

De looks at Naruto, "Aww man! Pen says if I don't try her dumplings tonight she'll beat me over the head with Tetsuya's ugly stick." **(RB: I hate you Penny!!!) (PF: And yet you still come over to my place every frackin' week) (RB: Well, um, that's not the point!) **Iruka looked as if he was about to laugh, but didn't.

**Scene Change no Jutsu:**

Naruto and Iruka sit at the Ramen stand, Naruto stuffing his face and Iruka sitting there thinking.

"Naruto, why'd you and De paint all over the Hokage faces?"

"De didn't she just helped me get away, but I did 'cuz I'm going to be the greatest Hokage!!! Then everybody will stop disrespecting me and treat me like I'm somebody!" Naruto proceeded to shove his face in his bowl of ramen, before finishing it and saying to Iruka, "Sensei, can I ask you something?"

Iruka looked at him, "You want another bowl?"

"No, um, can I try on your headband???"

"Naruto, these headbands are for qualified leaf shinobi only" Iruka said smiling and fiddling with the blue band.

"I want another bowl!"

A girl with short spiky red hair and a purple-haired boy with dark glasses concealing his eyes walked up and sat down a couple seats away from Iruka and Naruto. The girl looked over at them and smiled, "Hey Iruka Sensei, Naruto."

"Hey Pen-chan!" Naruto said looking at her smiling, her looks rivaled that of Sakura's **(PF: That's not very nice!) (RB: Um, he is after freakin' **_**SAKURA!!!) **_**(PF: Eh, good point.)**

Pen then said looking behind the bar, "One miso pork, and one miso vegetable." She then turned to Tetsuya, "You chickened out you're paying!" he sat there unmoving, "Hey the dare was sneak into the woman's part of the springs and stay for one minute, it's not my fault you haven't got one to speak of."

"…"

"Here, one miso pork and one miso vegetable" um, that fat guy at the ramen stand said handing them their bowls.

Naruto and Iruka left soon after Pen began eating, Tetsuya's bowl was still untouched. Pen stopped eating and looked at Tetsuya, she picked up his spoon and caught some of the noodles in it, "Here comes the kunai for the enemy ninja's heart!" she said in a baby voice inching the spoon nearer to his mouth, he grabbed her arm, "Killjoy…"

"How can you be so nice to him, no it doesn't deserve to be called tha-" Pen slapped her free hand over his mouth.

"Will you shut up?! We aren't supposed to know, or speak of it!" Pen whispered hurriedly. She then pulled out several ryo without counting and slammed them on the counter before grabbing Tetsuya's arm and leading him home.

"Miss you gave me 30 too much!"

**Scene Change no Jutsu:**

At the academy:

**You know what I'm skipping to the swing-set part:**

_**sssshgeksfiyuifrutdfgutysdfhgHASDFGYEUSDFIGF. Clone juts , fcghjkhfrdhjkljhgddfhjlkedfghkjhfgjkj three clones. gfjkhljkjgggggsfdghjkl;kjhgfdsghjkl;kjhggasdfcvghbjkl/hgfdasdrftgyuhjikljhgfewazsxefctdvuygbuhnjsdfghjklkjhgfdsdfghjkl;koiuytfrdghuijkl,kjhugyftdrf**_

_**fdcghjkmljhbgvfhjkljiuhgytfghujkghj **_**(PF:Zane!!!) (RB:The button's stuck!!!) (PF: Oh. My. God.) its playing again, but not what ANYONE!!! Wants to see, Orchimaru, stark naked, (RB&PF: I NEED MIND BLEACH!!!!)** **(Everyone watching: IT BURNS!!!!) The screen then emits a bright flash of light, (RB: Huh?) (PF: What happened.) (PF&RB: Oh well, on with the story!)**

Naruto sat on the swing looking very emoeyish watching everybody congratulating each other on passing the exam. De started to walk over to Naruto to comfort him only to be stopped by her grandmother, she and Leroy looked down sadly, she was then tapped on the shoulder by Pen who said to her happily, "I made this in case you guys passed," she said motioning to her and Leroy, before pulling a small strip of cloth out of her pocket.

"Ooooooooooh… shiny!" De said looking at strip of blue cloth attached to an old earring with the village symbol on it.

Pen rolled her eyes, "It's a forehead protector for Leroy."

"Yays!" De said before snatching it and tying it on Leroy who jumped off of her shoulder and tried to run over to Naruto as he had a much longer attention span than De, he soon found himself grabbed by the tail slowly rising in the air.

"Don't do it and I'll give you something shiny." Tetsuya said staring at the animal before pulling a little bell out of his pocket and dangling it in front of the squirrel's nose, Leroy's eyes grew wide and he reached his arms out trying to grasp the bell, "Good, fuzzy… thing. Now, go back to De…"

We then see that ba-Mizuki standing next to Naruto, Hokage talks to Iruka, and Mizuki and Naruto sit on a, um thingie, Blah blah blah, lying bastard, blah blah blah, blah blah, Stole the scroll!!! Blah blah blah.

**El fin**

**What? You expected to finish the entire episode?**

**Who do you think I am???**


	3. Friend or Frenemy

**Disclaimer: If we owned Naruto: Sasuke would've died in the episode he tried to leave (He's to emo), Sakura would be beaten upside the head with a pole, Naruto would wear a pink jumpsuit, and Jiraya would never look directly at the camera and freak out Mayblossom **

**DDD (Daredevildez): YAYS! I HAVE INPUT IN THIS!! Wait a sec, Penny, isn't Leroy your squirrel?**

**PF: Yes…**

**RB: We decided to make you sorta like Kiba but with a squirrel, and sorta like Shino with the litte 'army' thing but with rodents that live inside her coat and ninja baggie instead of bugs that live inside her body.**

**PF: Mostly rats…**

**DDD: What?**

**PF: Mostly rats live in your coat.**

**DDD: OMG… THAT'S AWESOME!!!**

**RB: Huh? Oh yeah da voices in the head are like this: **_'SCREW THAT!'_

**VoR: ON WITH THE FRACKIN' STORY!!!**

**Friend or Foe!**

**VoR: Wait just one minute, THIS IS THE THIRD EPISODE!!!**

**RB&PF: Eh, we didn't feel like doing episode two.**

**VoR: Oh, okay then. Carry on.**

**Friend or Foe!**

Naruto put on his goggles only to hear a tapping on his window, "Hey Naruto, open the freakin' window you don't have a ledge!" De said clinging on for dear life, Leroy clinging to her hair. He walked over to the window and undid the latch yawning again, the window swung to the side, De still clinging to it, several squeaks could be heard from her coat.

"Crud." Naruto ran over to his friend and pulled her in, "What do you even keep in there?"

"Maybe you'll see in later training, or something." De said tightening her coat around her resulting in more squeaks. She looked around Naruto's room a little and noticed his headband sitting on the mirror frame, "Umm, aren't you forgetting something?" De said staring at him.

"Am I?" Naruto said scratching his forehead then hitting the goggles with his hand, "Oh, right. I'm a ninja now!" he said taking off his goggles and tying on his headband, "Believe it!"

**=^.^=**

**Scene Change no Jutsu: **

**=^.^=**

Pen stands in front of the washbasin in her room splashing her face to wake her up. She then walked across the compound to Tetsuya's building and knocked on his door, "Tetsuya, you said you wanted to spar before orientation! I'm here, we have to now or we'll be late." She knocked again, "D!ckless open up, or I'm breaking down this door!" she heard a small rustle of dishes, "I know you're in there!"

"Shut up I'm coming." Tetsuya's voice drifted to the door, he opened the door and looked at Pen, "Ready Pen?"

"Hai" she said nodding then walking out to the Vass's personal training grounds, a girl with a low blonde ponytail sat on a rock near the training field, Pen raised an eyebrow, "Kat? What are you doing out here?"

The girl looked up and answered, "Your mom. She said I have to make sure you guys don't kill eachother."

Pen smiled and said very seriously, "We would never do that, just severely wound eachother."

"That's what I'm afraid of…"

**=^.^=**

**Scene Change no Jutsu: **

**=^.^=**

Naruto and De walk along the street to the academy only to hear several explosions from the Vass compound followed by Pen, Kat, and Tetsuya running past the gate out of it. They stopped, panting and Kat lifted her head, "I didn't do it"

**=^.^=**

**Scene Change no Jutsu: **

**=^.^=**

**(RB: EEEEEEEEEEEW! SAKURA!!!) (PF: Sorry Zane.) (RB: Really?) (PF&DDD: No!)**

Sakura walks out of her house and by Ino who begin to race eachother.

**=^.^=**

**Scene Change no Jutsu: **

**=^.^=**

**The Academy:**

Nameless ninja #1 bumps Naruto with his arm causing: SASUNARU LIPLOCK!!! Most of the girls glared at Naruto angrily before Pen stepped up and stood in-between them, "Oi, can't you bakas get a life other than droolin' over boys!?"

The girls started to reply before feeling something sorta fuzzy surround their ankles they looked down and screamed, "RATS!!!" Pen then looked over at De to see her holding her coat open and smiling evily.

"Yes rats, so cute aren't they!?!?"

Pen looked at De, "Call them back before Iruka sensei gets here!"

"Awww, I was having fun!" De pouted looking back at Pen who glared. "Okay," she made some weird noises and the rats began a speedy retreat back into her coat, as soon as they had disappeared into her coat, Iruka sensei walked into the room.

"As of today you are all officially ninja, you will be split into three man teams led by a jonin leader, you will be sorted to balance skills and abilities."

There was a lot of mumbling most of which was about, 'three man squad', 'jonin', and 'SEPERATED?'

"Settle down please so I can announce the teams."

Buncha people we don't give a damn about, and team seven, "Team seven Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, and Yumiko Lito." A girl with long black hair looked up, Sakura and Ino had the 'bleh' anime faces and Naruto and De looked at each-other sadly. "Team eight, Hinata Hyuuga, Kiba Inuzuka, and Shino Aburame. Team 10, Lori Kaya, Shikamaru Nara, and Chouji. Team eleven, Tetsuya Vass, Aki Oyama, and Miley Matsutomi. Team 12, Ino Yamanaka, Amaterasu Oyama, and Kat Nakamura. Team 13 Pen Vass, De Toya, and Sakura Haruno." Pen and De looked at each-other with 'oh hell no' faces, then shot dirty looks at Sakura. "You will have a lunch break, and then afterwards you will meet your new jonin instructors. Class dismissed." Iruka said before exiting the classroom to go find food.

Yumiko jumped up and looked at Sasuke and Naruto, "Since we're on the same team I was thinking maybe we should go have lunch togeth-"the two boys left before she could finish, "A**holes" she said quietly crossing her arms in annoyance.

Pen told De to be nice to Sakura and the two walked over to her smiling, Pen twirled a spike in between her fingers "Hey, I guess since we're on the same team we could eat together and kinda get to know eachother a little."

Although they don't know it both inner De and Sakura were currently screaming '_Why couldn't I be with Naruto-kun?' _ Sakura smiled and left with them.

Tetsuya got up only to be stopped by Miley standing in the doorway, hands on her hips and eyebrows raised.

"We are a ****ing team so we are going to ****ing act like one!" Miley said harshly to him and a boy standing behind him, then, for no apparent reason Miley jumped on Aki and laughed.

"GODDAMNITMILEYLETGO!!!"

"HOLLERUNCLE!"

"NO!"

"DOIT!"

"UNCLE!!!"

"Good loser." Miley said releasing her hold, Tetsuya almost cracked a smile.

Almost.

Miley then led them out the door.

**=^.^=**

**Scene Change no Jutsu:**

**=^.^=**

Pen, De, and Sakura sat under a cherry tree eating little rice cake, thingies, and, of course, talking. Naruto walked by and slowed down when he saw Pen and Sakura he started to speed up again until he heard them talking, "I like'em kinda big but not to big otherwise they're just a pain." Another voice added, "I know like have you seen Kiba's?" Naruto fell back and hit a tree, only to see the group of girls petting a dog as he passed out.

Tetsuya sat on a bench in Matsutomi Rice looking angsty as Miley and Aki stuffed their faces with random rice related dishes **(RB: Yes I am that smarticle, feel free to bow.) **Miley raised an eyebrow in Tetsuya's direction, "Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?" she said putting down her rice-cake.

Tetsuya barely looked up, "Excuse me It's just I usually don't spend my time with a bunch of worthless idiots, oh excuse me, sometimes I have to associate with that De."

Miley shortly had the 'oh no you didn't' look then said, "Sorry I usually don't spend my time with rich assholes who think they're better than people 'lower stationed' than them, if I had known I would be spending my day with you I would have shoved a pole up my ass so you'd feel at home."

A voice from behind the counter yelled, "Miley if you're going to piss someone off may you please do it outside so you don't ruin the shop again!?"

Miley rolled her eyes, "Hai Chichi."

Aki put down his food and said quietly to the quarreling duo, "Since we're going to be on the same team for a while shouldn't we at least try to make an effort to get along?"

'**Unless we kill you pathetic weaklings first, perhaps not the girl though Tetsuya-kun, I know you like her.' **Tetsuya quietly excused himself and ran to the bathroom, "_Sori I don't feel like talking right now"_

The voice in his head rolled his nonexistent eyes, '**We'll talk when I feel like it. It's not like you have any say in the matter."** Tetsuya sighed in defeat and went back to his table not really listening to Miley and Aki.

Ino looked down at Kat and another blonde girl with calm blue eyes, "Now let's get one thing straight, as long we're in this gro -" she was cut off by the small voice of Amaterasu

"up you're going to follow me?" she said eyes not really focused.

Ino looked at her slightly scared, "How did you know what I was going to say?"

"I saw this and I don't often like repeating things. It's rather dull, as the things I see usually change before we come to them."

Kat was slightly interested and said quietly, "How?"

"Our clan is different from most. Our Kekkei Genkai skips generations, only reaching to one, if any, from a generation, But those who do have it have the gift of sight." She quietly added, "Even if we don't want it."

**RB: WHY THE HELL AM I HEARING VOICES!??!??!!!!???????!!!!?!?**

**PF: I'll tell you when you tell me why you grouped me with Sakura!**

**RB & PF: Cuz I felt like it! JINX YOU OWE ME A SODA! DOUBLE JINX! TRIPLE JINX!**

**DDD: Poor Kat**

**RB & PF: What?**

**DDD: Inoeverythingsopissoff is on her team.**

**VoR: Poor Kat is right.**


	4. Survival Mission!

**(Most of the) Kandee Ferrets Staff: WE'RE BACK!!!**

**PF: Hey guys, sorry it's been awhile bu-**

**DDD: Penny who are you talking to?**

**PF: Our… Fans? Oh come on a girl can dream!**

**VoR: Buts that's a bit far-fetched don't you think?**

**PF: Will you shut up!?**

**DDD & VoR: Umm, No.**

**RB: Hey guys what I miss?**

***Two people walk into the, ahem, 'lair'***

**DBR(Demonic Bunnie Rabbits): Hey guys.**

***Dez looks down at DBR's belly* How's Fernie Junior?**

***EAJ (Evil AJ) Wipes sweat off his forehead* **

**DBR: *Smiles* Well, one of them will be Fernie Junior. Triplets!**

**RB: That's why you look so damn fat.**

**DBR: Excuse me? *rolls up sleeves***

**RB: I sai-OH CRAP!**

**PF: No, this isn't a chappie but Sandra was real excited when she heard she was going to have three midgets instead of just the one so we wrote this to announce her joy. Poor AJ…**

**DBR: They are not midgets, they are munchkins.**


End file.
